I..journey from a person to a thought

I smile. I shy.
I look. I wait.
I stop. I hesitate.
I am a stranger.

I sit. I greet.
I speak. I move.
I note. I observe.
I am an acquaintance.

I laugh. I help.
I share. I bend.
I sing. I dance.
I am a friend.

I see. I understand.
I stare. I care.
I lie. I try.
I am someone special.

I kiss. I touch.
I whisper.I feel.
I pray. I love.
I am a lover.

I fight.I cry.
I sway.I fall.
I fade.I disappear.
I am a thought.

                I am on the terrace of a 25 floor building. I walk up to the edge. I climb up the narrow wall that barricades the edges. I look down. Some height! If anybody falls from here, chances of survival are bleak. I smile to myself. I decide to race with myself till the other end of the narrow wall. I run. Fast. Here comes the edge. I stop. I sigh!

                I see a small puppy playing with a rubber ball. The type which will make a girl go ‘aww, so cute!’ I pick a small pebble and aim at the puppy-bang on! I feel happy. I gather as many pebbles I could and sit in one corner, right across the puppy.

                   I aim again. I am 9 years old, shopping with my parents. They hold my hands tightly. They love me so much. I don’t. I want to leave their hand. Let go the firm clutch. But for now, I need them. Coz, every time I cried to come in your arms, I deceived you. I hit. Bull’s eye!

                  This time I pick three pebbles. I aim. I am 12, am playing with my cousins in the garden. There are flowers all around. So colorful. They suffocate me.  I pluck a rose and give it to my sister. Not that I lam fond of her .I can hear the plant cry in pain as I pluck another and another. The colors fade. I feel good. Coz, every time you thought I love you when I bought you a flower, I deceived you. I hit.

                   The puppy cries in vain. I snub. I take few more pebbles. I aim.  I am with my teacher in the library. I am 16. She adores me. She appraises me a lot. I reciprocate with effusive regard. Honestly, I hated the very sight of her. Her shrill voice and flustered expression irked me. But her words and remarks were necessary to appease my bloating ego. I demanded popularity.Coz, every time I passed a gentle smile at you, I deceived you. I hit.

                    More pebbles and another aim. I am 19. In college. So many friends around me. How much they love me. I am so ‘caring’-for them.  I care? Really? I just need them one at a time to cater to my unattended emotions.Coz, every time I got you those friendship cards, I deceived you. I hit hard.

                   Last of my pebbles. I aim. I am 20. My boyfriend is all handsome and protective. We are supposedly head over heels in love. We are in my bedroom. Making love. He says he loves me way too much. I shut him up. Yes, me too, I whisper. Crap! I just need him to satisfy those stolid needs of my body. Coz, every time I kissed you passionately, I deceived you. I hit.

                 The puppy runs away. I run behind him. I pick him up gently. Give him a gentle kiss on that black nose. I apologize for my churlish behavior. One more kiss and I throw him down from the terrace. AAAH!! T he Satan within me smiles and I smile back. I feel at peace. But the peace cannot last long. I have to put on the mask again. Damn it!

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! POOR PUPPY, POOR PUPPY! HE FELL. SOMEONE HELP. PLEASE! ,I screamed in an excruciating voice.

Aankhon ki nami...

Emotional battlefield

Enchained by my own thoughts..

Bound by my own vision..

Letting my weakness overpower me..

Am fighting a war within…………

Overburdened by my own expectations..

Believing in my own assumptions..

Letting my fears threaten me

Am not retreating………..

Negativity blinding my optimism

My strength reducing

My belief fading

My dreams shattered

Letting the emotions capture me

I have lost the battle……………..

But,am still hopeful,

Is this a sign of another defeat ?

I wish

I wish I could dance,I wish I could sing,

Wish I could do all those lil lil things…….

I wish I could fly,up there,in the sky,

Wish I clould get someday that high……….

I wish I could achieve all my dreams,

Go that far,as far as it seems………

I wish I could love,wish I could hold,

Wish I could reciprocate and not be that cold……..

I wish I could be happy and not be much sad,

Wish I could go back to being that mad……….

I wish I could sleep,and get some peace,

The lock stil there,wish I had the keys……….

I wish I could control,and stop to think,

Let be,let go,move on and not to cling……

I wish I had that one hand,

Who is there with me,no matter where I stand………

I wish there was someone who understands me,

Who see things as I see………..

The list goes on,wishes umpteen….

Wish I could dance,wish I could sing…

Wish I could do those lil lil things !!

All in a smoke

It was raining hard outside. I locked myself in my room. I was feeling cold. I settled myself comfortably in the bean bag. The walls of the room were painted red-blood red. It seemed there was a body killed here every day from past 7 years continuously. The fan hanging from the ceiling was jet black with really sharp blades. One bed, a study,  and a silver dustbin furnished the room apart from my favourite furniture in which I am currently sitting.

I searched for my pack. There it was lying peacefully in the pocket of my sweatshirt. I took out one cigarette. Oh! How slender and pretty she looked. It was 7p.m. That is the only time of the day when i smoke. It’s the time when I meet Ashley. Ashley is my best friend-the person I love the most and the person whom I hate the most.

I took out my lighter. It was a gift Ashley gave me 7 years ago. I lit the cigarette. 1^st puff,2^nd, 3^rd and I released the smoke. The gray clouds rose up towards the black fan.

“Hello Johnny, How are you doing today?”Ashley stood there in front of me, wearing her favourite pink blouse and black skirt.

“Hey Ashley, I dint see you coming. I am doing fine.”

“You never do, Johnny!” Ashley smirked.

“So how are things at your end, you look tensed?”

“Johnny, you know how it is between us, I can’t take it anymore!” Ashley’s voice echoed pain.

“Ashley I love you! You know it, right? But I just can’t ...you know....”

“No! I don’t know...stop running away! ....stop! Please?”

“Am not running away Ashley...you are..why can’t you just let things be as they are...why do you want me to do what I can’t...every time you come here with that gloomy face...it kills me...I..I feel so helpless!”

“You feel helpless?” She quipped. “Kills you? ... It kills me Johnny...seeing you like this...Kills me...you won’t understand what it feels when I see you doing...”

“Stop it Ashley! You don’t have to repeat all of it every time you visit me...I get it...u understand? I get it...But what you don’t understand is...that...I... Ashley? Stop crying...please! Ashley...stop crying!”

“No Johnny, you don’t love me! Had you loved me...then you would never.....”

“Ashley, out of everyone you doubt my feelings? How restless i get when i don’t get to hear your voice every day, the very thought of you not being with me threatens me to death...you say I don’t love you? You are everything I always wanted...everything...”

“Then why do you....”

“Ashley it’s not in my hands. Life is not a fairytale sweetheart. You don’t know how dark it is out there.”

“And is this your way to search for the light?” Ashley questioned.

“Maybe”

“No Johnny! No, I can’t see you doing this....I can’t.....”

“Ashley wait! NO! What are you doing...stop! ...Ashley stop....I won’t be able to live without you...stop...NO...NO....ASHLEY!!!.....”

With the last puff, the smoke disappeared somewhere in the air. I threw the cigarette butt in the dustbin.

The red room was silent and lonely. Again.

Mind game

The place is small and compact.

It’s very dark. Hardly anything could be seen.

There are spiked chains all around.

Every tiny creature alive in this hell seems captivated.

Each one is struggling hard to be released.

But the chains are of iron-unbreakable.

The area smells of some strange chemical.

It’s suffocating. Fresh air is required urgently.

Gray smoke is beginning to appear from one end.

There seems to be a fire ignited.

There is an instant urge to break through the non-permeable membranes.

But the more you bang them the more chemicals are released.

It is nauseating.

There has to be a way out. There always has been. There will be.

But this one is the trickiest and most difficult of all storms.

No soothing music is able to rust those chains.

Those words of wisdom have failed to cease the fire.

Those umpteen prayers no longer kill the darkness.

The persistent efforts are not able to pump in fresh air.

An immediate evacuation is needed.

This place if not purified now will lead to fatal results.

Save this MIND before it kills the BODY.

DARK ROOM

DARK ROOM -one of my favourite childhood game.Everytime i met my friends or cousins i made it a point to convince them for one round of DARK ROOM.

Now, it seems so true-what? This thing only.....your favourite childhood fantasy turning into your harsh reality when you enter initial years of adulthood.

CRAP!! Cut it Out!

I entered confidently in my room to take my most prized possession. It was very dark. I wasn’t even able to locate the switchboard. I stepped forward closing the door behind me,it became darker. My fingers searched for that switch on the wall, my confident steps turned into slow and unsteady movements.There,I found it. Sighing relief ,i  pressed the switch on,but,to my luck, the lights still didn’t turn on. No electricity, I concluded.

Dark,Darker,Darkest, my mind was unable to take these words out of it.I was not able to find the way out. I found myself just getting inner and inner into the room,deeper in darkness.

I became quite restless felt suffocated, i wanted to move out,get back in light...i am no longer a kid-i hate playing dark room ! I need help!! I shouted, no one came to rescue me from the dark trap. There was no one around . I chose to stay alone, i remembered. I shooed everyone away. Now what? I struggled hard, there has to be some way, some source of light, some hope...but there was nothing. Nothing that could replace the darkness with bright light.

I sat down on the ground. I started thinking. Thinking hard !! Why this darkness? How did i reach here ? Why isn’t anyone around? After hours of reflection,i bought both my hands in forward, trying to cover my face in shame.I give up!! I will have to spend my entire life in darkness.There is no hope.This is the end !

As soon as my hands reached my eyes, i felt a cloth has been tied around my eyes. I am blindfolded. And all this while i was thinking am in the dark when there was so much light around me. How could i not realize that it was the blindfold which was the reason for the darkness.

Hurriedly i opened the tight knot of the cloth and threw it away. Very slowly, all apprehensive opened my eyes-There was light ! Bright light.

THAT ONE LAST TIME...

It is always that one toy that remind you of your favorite childhood days..

It is always that one teacher who leaves an everlasting impact on your life...

It is always that one cigarette butt that reminds you of your dad’s failed quitting attempts...

It is always that one feverish chill that makes you miss your mom...

It is always that one object you never want to part with...

It is always that one subject that makes you hate studying...

It is always that one song that remains in your iPod list...

It is always that one habit you want to get rid of...

It is always that one embarrassing moment you wish to change...

It is always that one memory that flashes whenever something terrible happens...

It is always that one trait you want to change about yourself...

It is always the one moment you wish to replay throughout your life...

It is always that one mistake you want to rectify...

It is always that one decision you regret all your life...

It is always that one word that you say unintentionally all the time....

It is always that one friend you never want to let go...

It is always that one person who makes you hate many others...

It is always that one plunge you wish you had taken...

It is always that one wish you hoped would come true....

It is always that one instrument that you wanted to learn to play...

It is always that one dance step you could perform better...

It is always that one movie which you can watch umpteen times...

It is always that one star you search when you look up in the sky...

It is always that one attempt which always failed...

It is always that one life you want to live...

It is always that one life you are living..

It is always that one thing you wait for...

That one last time.........

These eyes....

These eyes have lost the spark within

These eyes have shed tears of pain

These eyes have seen the worse come true

These eyes are filled with fear

These eyes have had share of jealousy n hatred

These eyes have longed for

These eyes have lost all hope

These eyes have been struggling

These eyes want to relive

These eyes search for joy

These eyes look for freedom

These eyes want to love life again

These eyes want to fulfill all its dreams

These eyes want to revive the spark within……….

Rabbit story,Twisted

Let me tell you a story that you might have heard before. There was a rabbit and a tortoise. The former known for its speed and the latter for its slowness. One day rabbit challenged tortoise for a race. Tortoise accepted the challenge and the race began. As anticipated rabbit ran fast and was soon miles ahead of the tortoise that slowly moved ahead. Rabbit knew the tortoise will take ample time to reach where he is and the finishing line is not far away, so he decided to take a quick nap. Rabbit dozed off under a tree while the tortoise slowly moved towards the end. When the rabbit woke up, he was surprised to see the tortoise just a step away from finishing line. Before the rabbit could start running the tortoise crossed the finish line and WON the race. The rabbit was said to be overconfident and thus a loser while the patient and determined tortoise was a winner. THE STORY TAUGHT EVERYONE THAT SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE RACE.

Ever heard of this story before? Even if you have, then have you ever wondered that the smart and intelligent rabbit was actually that overconfident and dumb? Why would he challenge the tortoise in first place when he knew he’d be victorious , Even if he was so sleepy and tired why would he stop just a few steps away from finishing line ? Why would any rational being take such a step? Maybe the rabbit wanted the tortoise to realize that even he could win. No matter how fast or intelligent anyone around him is, he should always be willing to take up a challenge and he would emerge victorious.

Though the rabbit became a bad example-the loser! But he helped boosting up the morale of several tortoises in this world. Every tortoise encourages itself by repeating ‘slow and steady wins the race’, which at least helps him to move forward in life.

So all you guys(other animals) out there who think bad of the poor rabbit, Think again!

Holy Love

I am enormous. I myself find it difficult to endure my heat let alone the world. I lose my individuality every single night.

Still, I am hope. I am love. I am light. I am worshipped. I am needed. I am life. I am Eternal. I am the Sun.

She is invisible in my presence. She has got spots. She is cold. She has no individuality of her own.

Still, she is the lover of every heart that longs for love. She is beauty. She is desired. She is watched. She is the Moon.

My strength is her weakness. My energy is her light. With me she is beautiful, without me spotted. It is only in my absence she could be appreciated.

We cannot be together. We separate or disappear so that the other one is valued. People like it that way. Luckily if we come out together the holy site is termed as an eclipse and considered inauspicious.

The distance between us is limitless yet nothing depreciates the fondness and respect we have for each other.

She is aware, she is nothing without me. But I am aware she is loved more, appreciated more, desired more.

I go back every night to let her rule the world, while she remains invisible to let me show my supremacy.

The moment we come together we both lose our powers and become bad omen. So we don’t!

Sometimes no matter how much our heart yearns for, some things are just not meant to be, and, for the sake of other, we sacrifice and adjust. This is selfless love. This makes us what we are today, this unites us with God.