I am on the terrace of a 25 floor building. I walk up to the edge. I climb up the narrow wall that barricades the edges. I look down. Some height! If anybody falls from here, chances of survival are bleak. I smile to myself. I decide to race with myself till the other end of the narrow wall. I run. Fast. Here comes the edge. I stop. I sigh!

                I see a small puppy playing with a rubber ball. The type which will make a girl go ‘aww, so cute!’ I pick a small pebble and aim at the puppy-bang on! I feel happy. I gather as many pebbles I could and sit in one corner, right across the puppy.

                   I aim again. I am 9 years old, shopping with my parents. They hold my hands tightly. They love me so much. I don’t. I want to leave their hand. Let go the firm clutch. But for now, I need them. Coz, every time I cried to come in your arms, I deceived you. I hit. Bull’s eye!

                  This time I pick three pebbles. I aim. I am 12, am playing with my cousins in the garden. There are flowers all around. So colorful. They suffocate me.  I pluck a rose and give it to my sister. Not that I lam fond of her .I can hear the plant cry in pain as I pluck another and another. The colors fade. I feel good. Coz, every time you thought I love you when I bought you a flower, I deceived you. I hit.

                   The puppy cries in vain. I snub. I take few more pebbles. I aim.  I am with my teacher in the library. I am 16. She adores me. She appraises me a lot. I reciprocate with effusive regard. Honestly, I hated the very sight of her. Her shrill voice and flustered expression irked me. But her words and remarks were necessary to appease my bloating ego. I demanded popularity.Coz, every time I passed a gentle smile at you, I deceived you. I hit.

                    More pebbles and another aim. I am 19. In college. So many friends around me. How much they love me. I am so ‘caring’-for them.  I care? Really? I just need them one at a time to cater to my unattended emotions.Coz, every time I got you those friendship cards, I deceived you. I hit hard.

                   Last of my pebbles. I aim. I am 20. My boyfriend is all handsome and protective. We are supposedly head over heels in love. We are in my bedroom. Making love. He says he loves me way too much. I shut him up. Yes, me too, I whisper. Crap! I just need him to satisfy those stolid needs of my body. Coz, every time I kissed you passionately, I deceived you. I hit.

                 The puppy runs away. I run behind him. I pick him up gently. Give him a gentle kiss on that black nose. I apologize for my churlish behavior. One more kiss and I throw him down from the terrace. AAAH!! T he Satan within me smiles and I smile back. I feel at peace. But the peace cannot last long. I have to put on the mask again. Damn it!

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! POOR PUPPY, POOR PUPPY! HE FELL. SOMEONE HELP. PLEASE! ,I screamed in an excruciating voice.

Aankhon ki nami...

Emotional battlefield

Enchained by my own thoughts..

Bound by my own vision..

Letting my weakness overpower me..

Am fighting a war within…………

Overburdened by my own expectations..

Believing in my own assumptions..

Letting my fears threaten me

Am not retreating………..

Negativity blinding my optimism

My strength reducing

My belief fading

My dreams shattered

Letting the emotions capture me

I have lost the battle……………..

But,am still hopeful,

Is this a sign of another defeat ?

I wish

I wish I could dance,I wish I could sing,

Wish I could do all those lil lil things…….

I wish I could fly,up there,in the sky,

Wish I clould get someday that high……….

I wish I could achieve all my dreams,

Go that far,as far as it seems………

I wish I could love,wish I could hold,

Wish I could reciprocate and not be that cold……..

I wish I could be happy and not be much sad,

Wish I could go back to being that mad……….

I wish I could sleep,and get some peace,

The lock stil there,wish I had the keys……….

I wish I could control,and stop to think,

Let be,let go,move on and not to cling……

I wish I had that one hand,

Who is there with me,no matter where I stand………

I wish there was someone who understands me,

Who see things as I see………..

The list goes on,wishes umpteen….

Wish I could dance,wish I could sing…

Wish I could do those lil lil things !!

All in a smoke

It was raining hard outside. I locked myself in my room. I was feeling cold. I settled myself comfortably in the bean bag. The walls of the room were painted red-blood red. It seemed there was a body killed here every day from past 7 years continuously. The fan hanging from the ceiling was jet black with really sharp blades. One bed, a study,  and a silver dustbin furnished the room apart from my favourite furniture in which I am currently sitting.

I searched for my pack. There it was lying peacefully in the pocket of my sweatshirt. I took out one cigarette. Oh! How slender and pretty she looked. It was 7p.m. That is the only time of the day when i smoke. It’s the time when I meet Ashley. Ashley is my best friend-the person I love the most and the person whom I hate the most.

I took out my lighter. It was a gift Ashley gave me 7 years ago. I lit the cigarette. 1^st puff,2^nd, 3^rd and I released the smoke. The gray clouds rose up towards the black fan.

“Hello Johnny, How are you doing today?”Ashley stood there in front of me, wearing her favourite pink blouse and black skirt.

“Hey Ashley, I dint see you coming. I am doing fine.”

“You never do, Johnny!” Ashley smirked.

“So how are things at your end, you look tensed?”

“Johnny, you know how it is between us, I can’t take it anymore!” Ashley’s voice echoed pain.

“Ashley I love you! You know it, right? But I just can’t ...you know....”

“No! I don’t know...stop running away! ....stop! Please?”

“Am not running away Ashley...you are..why can’t you just let things be as they are...why do you want me to do what I can’t...every time you come here with that gloomy face...it kills me...I..I feel so helpless!”

“You feel helpless?” She quipped. “Kills you? ... It kills me Johnny...seeing you like this...Kills me...you won’t understand what it feels when I see you doing...”

“Stop it Ashley! You don’t have to repeat all of it every time you visit me...I get it...u understand? I get it...But what you don’t understand is...that...I... Ashley? Stop crying...please! Ashley...stop crying!”

“No Johnny, you don’t love me! Had you loved me...then you would never.....”

“Ashley, out of everyone you doubt my feelings? How restless i get when i don’t get to hear your voice every day, the very thought of you not being with me threatens me to death...you say I don’t love you? You are everything I always wanted...everything...”

“Then why do you....”

“Ashley it’s not in my hands. Life is not a fairytale sweetheart. You don’t know how dark it is out there.”

“And is this your way to search for the light?” Ashley questioned.

“Maybe”

“No Johnny! No, I can’t see you doing this....I can’t.....”

“Ashley wait! NO! What are you doing...stop! ...Ashley stop....I won’t be able to live without you...stop...NO...NO....ASHLEY!!!.....”

With the last puff, the smoke disappeared somewhere in the air. I threw the cigarette butt in the dustbin.

The red room was silent and lonely. Again.

Mind game

The place is small and compact.

It’s very dark. Hardly anything could be seen.

There are spiked chains all around.

Every tiny creature alive in this hell seems captivated.

Each one is struggling hard to be released.

But the chains are of iron-unbreakable.

The area smells of some strange chemical.

It’s suffocating. Fresh air is required urgently.

Gray smoke is beginning to appear from one end.

There seems to be a fire ignited.

There is an instant urge to break through the non-permeable membranes.

But the more you bang them the more chemicals are released.

It is nauseating.

There has to be a way out. There always has been. There will be.

But this one is the trickiest and most difficult of all storms.

No soothing music is able to rust those chains.

Those words of wisdom have failed to cease the fire.

Those umpteen prayers no longer kill the darkness.

The persistent efforts are not able to pump in fresh air.

An immediate evacuation is needed.

This place if not purified now will lead to fatal results.

Save this MIND before it kills the BODY.